Insem #1 of the month done this morning. Had to battle a late March snowstorm to get to the clinic, but all ends well.
What do others do following insems? That 10 minutes your wife is supposed to lie flat? It used to be sacred time, a bit emotional but hopeful for us. Now? We want to laugh and relax. We bring the iPad in with us and watch something funny. Who knows what’s “right”, but after you’ve been through it enough, you’re thankful for the distraction.
So that moment I heard my sperm wasn’t good enough….that was hard. But then you start getting optimistic really quickly…the fool I was! “You’re a very good candidate for IUI,” they said. “Chances are quite high given your situation that a pregnancy will happen within six cycles.”
So you start feeling good! So what if it took a “little” extra work? A baby would still be here before long! (ha)
They didn’t know everything. Why say something like that if you don’t know for sure? When the wife did her HSG (which was hell to watch from my perspective by the way – never seen in her in so much pain), they gave her the all-clear. It was my problem, and mine alone. Which sucked when I was alone with my thoughts…but it at least gave us better odds.
So we do the old standbys – Clomid, IUI, Progesterone…you know what really sucks about being a guy through all of this? Especially when you’re the one with a problem? All the shit they do, they do to her. Basically compensate for my shortcomings by pumping her full of hormones. How is that fair? How am I supposed to feel okay about this?
Six months…nothing. We re-meet with the doctor, and we hear a word we’ve never heard before: endometriosis. Essentially, scar tissue on the ovaries. He wants to cut my wife open and check her ovaries to see if he can see any scar tissue. Okay, I’m being dramatic, it’s a small incision. But it’s surgery.
When I saw the x-ray, she was still out. I had to take that in alone, which was the hardest part. I never felt more alone than when I heard I had a partner in fertility issues. The scarring was possibly making it difficult for follicles/eggs to make their way down the fallopian tubes, which would make it damn near impossible for my mentally challenged and outnumbered sperm to reach them.
It was probably the hardest moment throughout all of this. I cried by myself and watched terrible TV in the waiting room.
It melted away in an instant, at least temporarily, when she opened her eyes and smiled at me….and even still when she threw up.