She knew before we went downstairs.
She didn’t tell me, of course. We went through the charade; the early morning, the pee stick…and the same exact resut that we’ve seen countless other times. Just one line, not two. One extra line, any of these occasions, and we would be so thrilled. We wouldn’t take it for granted. We wouldn’t mind the diapers, the middle-of-the-night wake up calls, not being able to keep up with the laundry, letting ourselves get (even more) out of shape, using vacation days to be at home with a sick kid, or being out of the social loop. We’d embrace it….it would be a GIFT.
But another month, another “it’s not yet meant to be.”
So we move on. We’re done with the IUIs. After 9 of them, there’s less and less of a point, I guess. We’ll start the process of talking to fertility clinics about IVF next week. If there’s a silver lining, we have a vacation of sorts scheduled this week in Mexico. It’s actually a work trip, but very little work will be done. So we can enjoy each other a little bit before we start going down the new path.
We’ll plan to start sometime after her birthday in early June. It feels like starting over. We thought it would be so easy when we made the decision to start a family. Then after it was clear we needed help, I heard “You’re excellent candidates for IUI.” We thought it would happen. It didn’t.
I don’t know what to think anymore. I’m sure we’ll hear that IVF is a great option for us. We may even qualify for one of those plans where you get your money back if you’re not successful after six cycles. Who knows?
All I know is this: we don’t take anything for granted anymore. Nothing is for sure. As much as we want to believe that we can control everything in our lives, so much is out of our hands.
I don’t know if IVF will work. It doesn’t matter if we’re “good candidates” or not. It’s out of our hands. But we do have to try. It’s really, really hard to keep trying when you continually get the wrong answer. It really sucks to continue to hear ‘no’ when you want to hear ‘yes.’ It makes you want to give up. It makes you want to throw in the towel and accept your lives for what they are. But we won’t.
Nothing is promised to us….but we continue the process. We start anew. We choose to fight. For those in a similar battle, I hope you continue to choose the same.