The Forever Process/Starting Anew

She knew before we went downstairs.

She didn’t tell me, of course. We went through the charade; the early morning, the pee stick…and the same exact resut that we’ve seen countless other times. Just one line, not two. One extra line, any of these occasions, and we would be so thrilled. We wouldn’t take it for granted. We wouldn’t mind the diapers, the middle-of-the-night wake up calls, not being able to keep up with the laundry, letting ourselves get (even more) out of shape, using vacation days to be at home with a sick kid, or being out of the social loop. We’d embrace it….it would be a GIFT.

But another month, another “it’s not yet meant to be.”

So we move on. We’re done with the IUIs. After 9 of them, there’s less and less of a point, I guess. We’ll start the process of talking to fertility clinics about IVF next week. If there’s a silver lining, we have a vacation of sorts scheduled this week in Mexico. It’s actually a work trip, but very little work will be done. So we can enjoy each other a little bit before we start going down the new path.

We’ll plan to start sometime after her birthday in early June. It feels like starting over. We thought it would be so easy when we made the decision to start a family. Then after it was clear we needed help, I heard “You’re excellent candidates for IUI.” We thought it would happen. It didn’t.

I don’t know what to think anymore. I’m sure we’ll hear that IVF is a great option for us. We may even qualify for one of those plans where you get your money back if you’re not successful after six cycles. Who knows?

All I know is this: we don’t take anything for granted anymore. Nothing is for sure. As much as we want to believe that we can control everything in our lives, so much is out of our hands.

I don’t know if IVF will work. It doesn’t matter if we’re “good candidates” or not. It’s out of our hands. But we do have to try. It’s really, really hard to keep trying when you continually get the wrong answer. It really sucks to continue to hear ‘no’ when you want to hear ‘yes.’ It makes you want to give up. It makes you want to throw in the towel and accept your lives for what they are. But we won’t.

Nothing is promised to us….but we continue the process. We start anew. We choose to fight. For those in a similar battle, I hope you continue to choose the same.

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7 responses to “The Forever Process/Starting Anew

  1. 9 IUIs are tough. I only survived 2, although given our complex system I couldn’t do more anyway. I know a lot of people going through IVF, and while the whole process is largely out of your control, at least with IVF you KNOW there’s an embryo going back in. With IUIs, you have no idea whether the sperm even meets the egg and the whole thing could be over in 24-48hrs, but you still have to live through those terrible two weeks.

    Would it help if you set a number of cycles in your mind that you’ll attempt? That may help you gain some control over the process. The first cycle is often a test cycle – they need to know how your wife’s body responds to the drugs and it can take one cycle to tweak things. Or has she been doing medicated IUIs? Sorry, I can’t remember.

    Anyway, wishing you all the strength and faith required to get to your child. So sorry that you’re in for a longer wait before you meet him/her.

    Jess xx

  2. It is rough going through all those IUIs. Especially when you know there is little chance of pregnancy. I think our chances with IUI were about 15%. Does not give you a lot of hope. I stopped POAS after a while. Seeing the blank white was just got too depressing.

    IVF does feel like a big jump. At least it felt that way to me. So much of it is out of your control. But it gave us our best chance at getting pregnant. Finally we were on a level playing field with everyone else. It just took several thousand dollars to get us there! I think it was the hope we got with IVF which made it bearable and possible for us. (Along with a generous family member!)

    Wish you all the best as you take this next step.

  3. Sorry about your failed IUI. I hate getting myself all excited about a new treatment. I give myself tons of hope it will work and then when it doesn’t I am devastated. I don’t know what to think next time around. 1. More hope with devastation later on or 2. zero hope and just tell myself it probably wont work.

  4. Sorry that your IUIs did not work out. I really relate to not taking any of it for granted. We never did IUIs, our case is too complex, went straight to IVF after 6 months of hormone injections for DH. I really thought IVF would be our saviour and was so optimistic that the first try would work, especially after my RE told me right after the ET that we had an “excellent chance”. Three failed IVFs later, I have learned to take those comments with a pinch of salt, and have realized that IVF is just another treatment that might work eventually, or might not. It is so very hard to keep emotional equilibrium in this situation, not matter how hard we try. The old adage, prepare for the worst, hope for the best, is a good one, but NOT easy to implement! Best of luck with your IVF, and I hope your dreams come true this year!

  5. To me IVF felt as if I finally could exhale. Sperm and egg were actually going to finally hook up, and give us the most optimal chance of success. The first round of IVF was a big fat failure. Turns out egg quality was our demise. If we had never done IVF, I would not have known. We’d probably still be banging our heads needlessly against the wall. We turned to donor eggs, and cycle #2 worked.

    I wish you the best of luck!

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