I am approaching this post as something I HAVE to do, not something I want to do. It’s way more fun to post when things go well, when there’s a bunch of hope in our hearts, or when we’re happy. It’s just fucking homework to post about when things don’t go right. So I’m sorry if this post sucks. I don’t really know how to put forward for presentation what I’m feeling and thinking. Maybe bulletpoints.
1) In case you didn’t hear on Twitter or you didn’t figure it out from the first paragraph of this blog, Friday was a BFN (big fat negative). No pregnancy. No twins. Nothing.
2) I think this really sucks. Friday was hell. We heard the news at 1:30 and we sat there in alternating sequences of tears, whining, hugging and silence. Before I knew it it was 3:45. I literally thought maybe 30 minutes had gone by.
3) We got drunk on Friday night. Because, well, it’s better to feel drunk than to feel devastated. And HopeToBeMommy hadn’t had a beverage in some time. So she had a bottle of champagne…not to celebrate, of course, she just likes to drink champagne. 🙂
4) Saturday was better. We finally got out of the house to do a bit of shopping. HopeToBeMommy somehow landed 3 dresses for $54 (a steal I think…I don’t really know fashion or quality but they look pretty to me). I mowed the lawn and listened to a baseball game (Yankees-Blue Jays….I can get into specifics if you want in the comments :)). And we went out with friends last night, spending the money we vowed earlier in the day to save instead. One day I suppose won’t kill the finances.
5) And today. Now. Skipped church, couldn’t do it. Things are still raw. I can’t say that things are great. I’m not feeling 100% with this. But, it’s getting better. Just like it always does. It stops raining and the sun begins to peak out from behind the clouds.
HopeToBeMommy has to deal with the presence of a period. Which is a constant reminder. I don’t have that, and I don’t have the hormones. Things are easier for me. Which makes me admire my wife more than ever. Not sure how she has the strength to put one foot in front of the other, but she walks tall and proud.
The one thing I keep thinking about, the one thing that is beginning to cultivate some hope in the soil that is my heart and mind, is that we fertilized an egg this time. It may have taken place in a petri dish, it may have taken ICSI, but we fertilized an egg. That is very likely the first time that has happened. So, as they say in baseball, we’re batting .000 but it’s not based on 1,000 at-bats. Or even 10 at-bats. Just one. We’re 0-1. Even Babe Ruth started some baseball seasons with an out. Who’s to say he didn’t hit a home run in at-bat number 2?
We’re going to go back out there swinging. And eventually, we’ll bump that batting average up to something above zero.