The Path We Choose To Follow

As I mentioned on Twitter earlier today, we transferred a level 2 blast and a level 3 blast. There were five still progressing, all were at the morula stage. Hopefully we’ll have 1-2 to freeze if needed. All the work this time around is over. But the hard part is just beginning.

As HopeToBeMommy dozed off in our patient room after the transfer (they make her lie down and wait 30 minutes before we leave) I found myself pondering this journey. My eyes were watering then, just as they are now as I write this. The first time we tried to have a baby was August ’08. Just a few seconds compared to some of the Twitter/blogging community of Infertiles, I realize…but 3 years now. When we first tried, I remember thinking that if we were successful right away, I could be a dad before I turned 30…and that would be cool. That kid would now be closing in on 2 1/2 years old, likely making my life hell at times… 🙂

I kind of had a skewed view of kids back then. Sure, I knew they were a lot of work, but we really didn’t have many friends (maybe one couple?) that were parents then. Babies and kids were cute and fun to play with. I wasn’t like ACHING to be a dad, but I wanted to be one.

Since then, of course, it seems like everyone in my life has become parents….except us. And while I am irrationally jealous every time someone else has an announcement, I do know now of the hard work involved. The hell my life might be at times.

This journey, especially in the last 2+ years, has seemingly encroached on everything in our lives. And while we didn’t choose infertility, we did choose this path of early morning appointments, invasive ultrasounds and heartbreaking results. We chose to essentially disrupt the f**k out of our lives in order to get this kid. Will our child ever understand that? Does anyone that isn’t infertile really get that?

We did choose this. Maybe in a way it chose us too. I want to move on with another phase of our lives in 10 days. I want us to get the result we’ve never gotten before.

But more than anything, I want a child. A child to hold. A child to make feel better. A child to calm. And yes, a child to make our lives hell. Please, please make this be it.

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6 responses to “The Path We Choose To Follow

  1. I hope this is it for you. It is so incredibly hard to be reminded again and again how easy it is for some people and how hard it is for oneself.

    The topic of choice is an interesting one. I’ve found that the worst moments of my IF journey have been those in which I couldn’t exercise choice–when I couldn’t afford cycles, when I had to cancel cycles because of external factors, etc. There is something about choice that is empowering. It is interesting, though, the way in which the fact that we chose one path over another seems to also assign us the responsibility to be happy with, or at least accepting of, the path we have chosen. That’s a tough thing to accomplish sometimes.

  2. I hope this one is the one! And frozen backups would be awesome.

    My husband and I just got a puppy, and it’s definitely been eye opening in terms of the amount of work and how we deal with it. It’s given us a little insight into what it’ll be like parenting together.

    FX!

  3. I just found your blog and read through a dozen or so back posts. We’re MUCH newer than you to this and I thougt this post was a good reminder for my wife and I about the kinds of decisions that we’re going to be facing.

    Right now, we don’t really even know which options we’re going to have to choose between. But should we have to make drastic choices, I’m sure we’ll make ones similar to yours. Anything.

    Best of luck.

    • Hey – thanks for the comment. Just read through your posts and your ‘abouts’. I am definitely thinking of you and your wife. My advice would be to get things checked out. The sooner you diagnose, the sooner you can start a journey toward pregnancy. It’s hard to take that first step, but once you do, you can get that ball rolling. Good luck – I’ll be following.

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