I’m at a loss of what to say….
I guess first of all, thanks to all those on Twitter that already poured in their wishes of congratulations. They were all heartfelt, and they’re all appreciated.
Secondly…I guess I just tell the story. I knew. I mean, I didn’t know. But I was pretty sure. In the last few days there was cramping, but she said it was different cramping. Like flutters. They didn’t stick around long, and they were in different places.
And I’m pretty sure no guy should know as much about periods and spotting as I now do, so I’m throwing that caveat out there to start. But there was no spotting. None. That had never happened before. I was freaking out and waiting outside the bathroom door each time she peed, asking what she saw. I guess we now have a very close and intimate relationship – LOL.
And then she started coming around yesterday morning. Her hair was really greasy on top, even after shampooing, blow drying, etc. Her hair is never greasy, and she came running to where I was to show me. I was like, “well, did you miss that large chunk of hair on top? Why are you telling me this?” It was then that I learned that greasy hair is most certainly “a sign”.
The moment I knew for sure was actually prior to hearing the news. The clinic called about 10 minutes early, and HopeToBeMommy answered it as I put my ear next to the phone as well. It was our doctor, and she was smiling through the phone as she told us who she was. I already knew what the result was, as she was matter of fact last time.
We probably looked like a couple of 13-year-old Justin Bieber fans at the young crooner’s concert or something after we got the call. Crying, laughing, freaking out…it’s a blur. I had just sat down to eat lunch when the call came. I ate the sandwich at some point after we’d cried our eyes out…but I couldn’t eat any more. Life was moving forward, seemingly for the first time in 3 years. I wanted to get out there and start living the life.
We drove out to the mall…whether psychological or not, HopeToBeMommy felt cramped in her jeans and needed new ones. And a new belt. And some makeup. Whatever. I’m not a big shopper, but it felt great to be at a mall with this new knowledge. I wanted to tell every stranger we passed our news…and being the idiot I am, I may have done just that 3 years ago.
But not now. Every stranger could have been another one of ‘us’…encountering heartbreak routinely, feeling life standing still, having to make difficult financial decisions. Perhaps one of these strangers had just gotten a BFN and was engaging in retail therapy. I couldn’t get it out of my head that while we were thrilled we got the BFP we had waited for, others will get disappointment this weekend.
We move forward, happily and excitedly. We are joyous beyond belief, and it’s literally almost everything I can think of! But there is no denying that we are forever changed because of this process. There will always be emotional scars. My eternal optimism has probably taken a hit, my friends in terms of to whom I’m closest has been altered. But I certainly hope, and believe, that I am a better person for it.
One of the new “You’re Going to be A Dad” books I got yesterday started out by saying that fatherhood will change your worldview. I believe that. But those that go through the Infertility Journey have already gone through a major shift. What happens then?
I’m eager to find out.