How Do We Begin Again?

As I tweeted earlier this weekend, we had a 9% chance according to our clinic. 9% chance of miscarriage for couples in our age range. There was no reason to believe this would happen…no reason at all. There’s no explaining why it happened. That hasn’t stopped us from compiling our own list of reasons why we’ve blamed ourselves:

– I got a cold two days after the pregnancy test was positive. Did I give it to our unborn child who was too small and weak to fight it?
– HopeToBeMommy thinks she could have eaten more vegetables.
– HopeToBeMommy thinks she shouldn’t have shopped last Sunday afternoon…too much walking.

These three are amongst many others we came up with. Which of course is nonsense. There’s nothing we did wrong. We do know that. But when 9% happens, it’s just difficult to accept that the reason is “bad luck”.

Bad luck. And we’re back to square one. It’s like this dream that we had; we had a dream that for 9 days, we were pregnant, and everything was fine. It was more than fine, it was…perfect. We bought books, and bigger clothes for HopeToBeMommy, and I even had to buy newborn diapers. I couldn’t help it; yeah, it was stupid but I’d been waiting for a long time to buy something for my baby. And I had a coupon.

And now all that stuff is hidden away in boxes, out of sight. That life no longer exists, at least for right now. What does exist is a life where we have the still-elusive goal of having a child. For 9 great days, things were progressing, and I was a daddy. Then things became uncertain, and 5 days later, we knew for sure that I was a daddy no more.

And we’re sad. It’s devastating and really hard to accept. It’s nearly impossible not to ask the “why us?” question. We finally, finally get that positive result…and then it’s taken away by an event that had a 9% chance of happening. It’s not fair.

Yet this is not a self-pity entry. I can’t live that way. I’m an optimist, and I have to see hope and possibility. I was only a daddy for 9 days….but I was a daddy for 9 days. I liked it even more than I ever imagined.

I’ll get the chance again. We’re likely to have success again, and we’ll be 91% to go full term. There are no sure things, but I’ll be a dad. I’ve now been there, and I want it more than ever. It felt so freakin’ good. I can either dwell on the pain of that feeling being gone…or I can dream about it being reality again one day.

We lost our child. I don’t think it matters whether you knew them for 2 weeks, 2 months, 2 years, 20 years, in the womb or in the world. It’s painful. We’ve cried, and we’ll continue to mourn. Eventually, we’ll be ready to try again and I have great hopes as we move forward. I’ll be a dad. HopeToBeMommy will be a mom. Strangely, I believe that now more than ever.

But this will always be a part of us. This will never go away. We’ll never “get over it”. The love existed, it was real and it tattooed us. I guess that’s called being a parent.

I should know.

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10 responses to “How Do We Begin Again?

  1. its so, so easy to blame yourself, (believe me as someone who has been in the 2% of pregnancies that end in the 2nd tri twice, i KNOW) but babies are born in famine, floods, disasters, to marathon runners and to huge women who “didn’t know they were pregnant”. think they were getting enough veggies? i say the whole thing is a crapshoot, blind luck, from implantation to delivery. nothing you or HTBM did caused this to happen. im so sorry you guys have gotten such a healthy dose of bad luck lately. hoping you find the strength and hope to start again real soon. it’s the only thing we can do, right?
    thinking of both of you
    xoxo
    lis
    @LeLeIsMe

  2. You will always remember you baby, and yes, it doesn’t matter what gestational age the baby was at, it will always be your precious baby. People around you may not understand what you are going through and the love and grief you have for your own baby. Sending you and @hopetobemommy lots of hope, hugs, and support. That’s what cycle buddies (and friends) are for. xxxx

  3. I’m so sorry for your loss. I’ve been there too- my husband and I had miscarriages after our first and second IVF cycles at 6 and 8 weeks. I wanted to blame myself- to find a reason to explain it so I could move on and know it would never happen again. The doctors said it was just “bad luck.” As if that’s helpful for those of us who experienced a loss- especially after infertility.

    My best advice is to do something fun with hope-to-be-mommy to distract you. My husband and I joined a bowling league and planned a trip to Japan. It really helped us move forward.

    We are now 26 weeks after our third IVF. It can happen. Keep the hope alive and take care of each other in the meantime.

    Wishing you both comfort and happiness in the days ahead.

  4. I am so sorry to hear this. I can understand the feelings you are having. I have had five losses myself. I got the “bad luck” speech so many times from my RE it became like the most awful rollercoaster ride. Each time taking some time to regroup, pulling up the “bootstraps” as it were, and trying again.

    It’s not fun to end up on the wrong side of the statistics. BUT, chances are very likely that you will end up on the other side. Until that day comes, I wish you both peace. Be gentle with yourselves, and keep faith.

  5. You remind me so much of my husband in your writing, one commenter on our blog once sais “you par great homage to your wife and speak so lovingly about her), you too write beautifully about your wife. The infertility journey is fullof ups and downs, it took us almost 4 years to conceive, as well as a miscarriage alongthe way. You two will weather this storm together and come out on top, you will be parents again and appreciate that baby even more!! Your blog is amazing! Good luck!!

  6. I’m so sorry. I’ve had two miscarriages, and although we’ve never completely ‘gotten over’ them, I want you to know that it does get a little easier, although never forgotten. It sounds like you two have such a strong relationship, I’m glad you have eachother. I know there are no words..but I want you to know my husband and I are thinking of you during this awful time.

  7. I am so incredibly sorry for your loss.
    Thinking of you and HTBM. Be strong for her.
    Please make sure to tell her she’s beautiful every single day. It’ll make a world of difference.

    Thinking of you.

  8. I’m so sorry. I had two missed miscarriages last year – found at 9 weeks and just under 8 weeks. It’s devastating.

    In answer to your question “how do we begin again”, you just do. And appreciating the joy you had while pregnant is important too – my husband’s best day ever was last Easter when we were pregnant, and hosted our immediate families for the holiday dinner. Even though we lost that pregnancy, he still has the memory of how happy he was.

    *hugs* to you both

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