Right now I am sitting in our basement; HopeToBeMommy is upstairs in our bedroom. Although we’re in the same house, we’re physically in different places. I think all married couples do this; we don’t need to be right next to each other every moment we’re at home.
I’m sitting here writing a blog post and watching (American) football. She is laying in bed, crying. Suffice to say, we’re in different places emotionally, too. I’m leaving her alone because she needs to deal with it, and I just sit there trying to say the right words and ‘fix’ it. I know there’s no ‘fixing’ this, but I can’t help it. It’s in my DNA to try and close the floodgates that are her eyes.
I am ready to keep trying at this. As far as I’m concerned, we got as close as we’ve ever gotten last time. There’s a lot of optimism to be taken from that. But through a lot of thought and internal conversation, I’m ready to also start talking about adoption. If money weren’t a factor, I’d like to get both of these processes running concurrently. I don’t think of considering adoption as ‘giving up’ on what we’re currently working on; to the contrary, I love the idea of adoption and am convinced that we should try to have both biological children and adopted children. One has nothing to do with the other, at least in my mind.
HopeToBeMommy isn’t there; to her, those are things you think about once biological avenues are exhausted. And by considering it, discussing it, etc., it constitutes ‘giving up’ on our current process. Hey, it’s probably easier for me. I’m not the one who gets to experience pregnancy, so I completely understand that she wants that experience and everything that comes with it.
I’m not giving up, and neither is she. But we are obviously in different emotional places on this journey. I guess it’s probably natural that two people might diverge a bit in attitudes and emotional states, but it makes it difficult to talk about the upcoming months for us. I have a level of excitement around the topic of adoption, while it causes some real emotional agony for her. It remains a topic that we mostly avoid at this point.
We expect that our next retrieval will be in mid February. That gives us a bit more time to heal and to get through the hectic holiday season. But it also makes things feel so far away as well. HopeToBeMommy tells me that she’s never felt so removed from the hope and possibility of having a child…this even after we just got pregnant for the first time ever. There’s some success that should shine some hope down on us. But that’s not the way she feels right now, and I sort of feel the same way. Maybe that’s why adoption sounds even more exciting to me right now, who knows? But I do know that once we start doing the meds, the shots, the ultrasounds, we’ll start to feel that familiar hope around IVF again. We’ll revel in the excitement that will happen in the growth of our creation to blastocyst and through to (hopefully) positive pregnancy results. The hope sounds real nice, and it will be a welcomed element to the process.
Here’s to waiting….and avoiding the conversations we approach from different places.