Just wanted to write a bit today. I haven’t written for over 3 weeks because, quite frankly, I haven’t really had anything to write. And really, I don’t have much of anything to share right now either. We are still on hold through the holidays in terms of getting up to speed with another IVF. At least another month of sanity before the craziness begins.
I am officially becoming an elder at our church on January 15, which I find kind of funny since I’m really not a very religious person. It is a rather liberal Presbyterian USA church, and because of this it shares the same social beliefs as we have (justice for the poor, advocating for the less fortunate, supportive of gay clergy and gay marriage, etc.), so I am rather involved in the church and love it in that respect.
While I continue to question my faith and what kind of existence (if any) God has in this world, I’ve become increasingly interested in the development of my spiritual side as a whole. As part of the lead up to my installation as an elder, I attended a session meeting at the church on Monday night, so that I can begin to see how the business of the church functions. To kick off the meeting, our pastor (who is a wonderful human being and deserves his own blog entry some day) talked about wanting to integrate more silent reflection time into our worship services, and invited us to join him in a 5 minute silent reflection period to start off our meeting.
It became clear rather quickly that:
a) I don’t take the time to do a silent reflection very regularly, or rather, at all;
b) I was going to spend damn near the entire 5 minutes crying silently.
Yikes. I wasn’t really expecting that. As I sat there, my mind went immediately to the infertility process. And I realized how scared I was to begin again. There is a large part of me that never wants to feel the kind of pain and sadness that I felt with the miscarriage. And you create that opportunity by going down the IVF road again. Perhaps that’s why I’ve felt so much more strongly about adoption lately.
I don’t really have an answer for this fear right now. I guess it’s probably to be expected that I (and HopeToBeMommy) feel this way. However, it seems clear that at some point, one way or another, we’ll have to get off the canvas, dust ourselves off, and get back in the fight. I think I’ll be leaning more than ever on my strong, beautiful wife…and likely vice versa as well.
For now, I think we’ll enjoy the fact that we’ll be moving into December tomorrow without snow on the ground, just a day away from a bachelor party in New Orleans, 8 days away from an anniversary trip to San Francisco with HopeToBeMommy, and headed toward Christmas feeling at peace with the world…at least for now.