I’ve written about it before in this space; I love my acupuncture appointments. The most obvious reason for this, of course, is the positive effects that it has made on my sperm count and sperm quality. The secondary benefit though, is the pure feeling of relaxation that I can only get with those needles stuck in me.
My acupuncturist is so awesome; with HopeToBeMommy she takes 20-30 minutes to do a mini therapy session, which is exactly what she wants/needs. With me, it’s a few questions, I strip to my underwear, get the needles in, 15 minutes later they’re out and I’m on my way. We get custom-tailored service! But I want to focus on the part where the needles are in. I just simply close my eyes, Enya or something like that playing in the background, and I just think/pray/meditate. We always have so much going on around us (right now, I’m blogging, watching a basketball game, and following Twitter) that we don’t take enough time for silence. Acupuncture gives that to me. I feel ‘zenned out’ after a session…and I usually feel some clarity as well.
Tonight I found myself, as I often do, reflecting on our Infertility Journey. I realized during this meditation that while I am on board and looking forward to IVF #3, I still have a lot of fear around moving ahead. I am afraid of experiencing the same horrible sadness we felt after the miscarriage. I’m afraid of it not working, like IVF #1….and of course, eventually in IVF #2 as well. Those experiences involved emotions to which I’d never felt, not to that extent. I don’t think that anything that anyone would want to experience again.
But then, strangely, it dawned on me that there’s a strange comfort in knowing what it’s like, as horrible as it is. I certainly DON’T want to feel it again; it’s pure hell, and to some extent, it still is.
But we know we can deal with it. We know that there will be tears, anguish, anger….but we won’t perish. We’ll support each other and get through it.
Of course, there’s another feeling I’ve felt during all of this, when IVF #2 initially worked. That happiness was unlike anything either of us has ever felt. Yeah, I could go for that again.
Either way, we can handle it. But we can’t control it. IVF #3 is about giving us the best shot possible…the rest of it is up to a higher power. I can’t say I’m not still somewhat afraid of not getting the result we want, but it feels good to know that we’ll be okay. We’re on our path to parenthood, and we can handle anything that’s around the next bend.