We all played the game Chutes & Ladders when we were little – at least, I think we did. Just a basic board game with dice and a piece that moved a certain amount of spaces each time, but would move up a bunch of spaces if you hit a ladder, or down a bunch if you hit a chute. I liked that game, but I remember getting upset if I hit too many chutes in a sitting. The game wasn’t fair! it seemed….and then some got to hit all ladders and get to the top very quickly.
Well, I don’t need to spell the metaphor out for you. I’ve been thinking of this game a lot lately, and how it’s been all chutes for quite some time for us in real life. I really didn’t feel all differently than I did when I was a small child: upset, life wasn’t fair, etc. I wanted some ladders, something to go right. Last fall was the biggest chute on the board, dreaded space 87:
We’ve all seen too many space 87s in our infertility journeys, be it, BFNs, emotional difficulties, or, like us and many others, miscarriages. We get so high on the board, only to fall all the way back down. Space 87 is not fair. Space 87 makes you feel like so much hard work was for nothing. Space 87 makes you feel like you’ll never finish.
But we all charge on. We don’t put the game away and do something else. When the game is real life, you don’t have a choice. Right now, we are dangerously close to passing space 87. 8 weeks into pregnancy and HopeToBeMommy has never felt worse. And we’ve never felt better. For the first time, we’re seeing only ladders. May it be the same for all of us.